Mr.Bala your statement, "In spite of all this satsang, I seem to hold grudges about certain things with certain people." Hearing or studying any amount of Sat Sangh will not give practical knowledge, because of some Karma of past birth blocking. Also hidden not traceable ego within oneself causes this block. Ex: Sri Adi Sankara while walking in Kasi street, a chandalan (one who eats dog flesh) came in opposite direction. Sri Sankara said to go aside. The Chandalan questioned Sri Adi Sankara about body and soul. Their discussion is script "Manasha Panchakam". Sri Adi sankara realized his Ego (That he is superior to other) and fell on feet of Chandala who became Bhagavan SHIVA and blessed Adi Sankara. Similar thing happened to many saints, who realized at once. When God knows our mind that we are ready to accept our ego, HE also will appear to us.
Your Statement:- "When I think of a particular person, I am always reminded about the thing I hold against them". Here this is Vasana (Strong thoughts). This develops in mind due to rethinking of same person. In script Vivekachudamani, it is said, that every thought is like a thin string. Same thoughts forms more number of strings. These thin strings gets twisted and forms a thick rope in spiral form. To undo the spiral, it is difficult and can be achieved by sadana only and blessing of GOD. Here also if one thinks he is doing Sadana, it fails due to "I" am doing sadana. Think of GOD rather those people. Besides those people were none other than whom you insulted in past birth, a dialogue between Sri Rama HIS Guru Sri Vasista. Ex:- from puranas. The hunch back lady (Who sent Sri Rama to forest) in Srimath Ramayana is the same lady (as Trivankara- 3 crooked shaped lady) in Sri Math Bagavath, that Sri Krishna made her beautiful. If you read Srimath Ramayan or Sri Krishna Leelas, you will find that Matha Sita or Sri Rama never spoke single word ill about Ravana/ Sri Krishna never spoke about people (Including Arjuna) who insulted HIM. THEY were GODS to WHOM these vasanas does not get attached. IN MY CASE, I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON YET. But I keep thinking of the above said and other 2 things:- a) Christ was killed on cross. But before HIS soul departed HE said, "Oh God forgive them as they do not know what they done to me". b) Nabigal in Islamic was stoned for nothing at all. Both these great men risen from death to austral (Non destructible) body and went to abode of GOD. I often think when someone harms me, " Was I insulted or harmed like that of Chirst". Then I feel ashamed on myself for thinking trifle things. But great scripts and in Bagavath and Srimath Ramayan easily does not forgive wrong doer. Abducting Mother Seetha is not small mistake. But Sri Rama only taught Ravana lesson, as one could note that Sri Rama stood at the feet of dying Ravana to listen his speech. One can safe guard himself from unwanted risk but not have grudge. We go to Zoo and see birds, lion, deer and tiger. Dont we enjoy them by keeping distance with lion/ tiger and close to deer and birds. Do we distinguish lion as bad one to deer? So there are people like lion/ deer and it is our vivechana to behave. Besides thinking about those who did harm to us, our BP changes to different tunes producing certain liquids good and bad. Good thought produce DOPOMINE that gives long healthy life and bad thoughts produces acids that increase BP to sugar to heart mal function. You may ask eminent doctor to clarify this. So it is our choice. Sant Tukaram was beaten by his wife with a sugar cane on his head. Sugar cane broke into 2 pieces. Tukaram smiled and said to his wife, " dear see GOD Pandurangan (Vital) broke the sugar cant into 2 pieces, one for you and other for me". Because such very high thinking, he flew to abode of GOD in view of public. One can see these places in Devu Gram near Pune.
ANOTHER good lesson I learnt. Beat a cow or stone a crow or hit a goat. None of them had grudge on me. So I accepted that I am worst then these animals.
You said:- "It troubles me that being somewhat spiritual, I can't change this quality in me".
Now think WHO you are. We think we are thinking, here is our blunder. Do Nama Sankeerthan and divert your mind. Our mind will listen what you say according to script Vasista Geetha.
This is a very good question. I am sure at some point many people even good students of vedanta experience this problem.
I guess the answer is do more sadhana - sincerely without losing faith in God, eventually, the mind will get cleared. There are some good points mentioned by other sadhaks here. Thank you very much.
Posted by: Sadhak <firstname.lastname@example.org>
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